Shrinkage!

I want to shout out that my doctor called earlier to say he wanted to give me a good start to my weekend.

Earlier today I went in for a CT scan. We had finished our 4th chemo treatment, and the doctor wanted to see what the tumor was doing.

I won’t lie, I was super nervous. My terrific support team has been praying for me. (I know because several post those prayers directly to my Facebook page.)

However, would God hear them?

We’ll……my doctor called to say there is shrinkage. I’ll know more at my appointment on Monday. For now, though, my doc wanted me to start the weekend off right with some good news.

My tumors are shrinking.

This is a very happy Maggz on Morphine and I am young. I am healthy. I have the best chance of beating the average.

Live

One thing a terminal illness helps you understand is the importance of getting out there and live life.

My medical team is constantly pushing me to have a good quality of life. They want me to get out and do things even when I don’t want to do anything.

However, it’s so easy to make excuses. Will I wear out? Will it cut into my medical budget? Will I need to rush to the bathroom? Will I make the experience miserable for my friends and family?

There are many more Will I’s to consider, but these are the ones that keep me from getting out.

However, it’s not just my medical team who wants me to get out (heck, they will move my treatments around just so I can experience a quality of life), my family also wants to get out.

However, it’s so difficult because I feel like such a burden right now.

Then I catch-up with a friend who was debating on spending his day off running errands or going to the lake to relax. I told him to go to the lake because life is too short.

He looked at me, nodded, and announced that he would enjoy the lake.

I sat back and watched him leave with a little bit of envy, but then I realized that it wasn’t too late to enjoy my own adventure.

I don’t know what I’m going to do on my adventure, but I know I’ll do my best to have fun. I’ve been feeling stronger lately. Maybe I’ll take a long walk, meet someone new, or bask in the newness of a place not visited before.

After all, there’s plenty of time to work on the daily tasks list another day.

Today is a day to be young and healthy. And who knows how a change of scenery will help me be the best chance of beating the average.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and live the best quality of life you can.

Reconnecting

Yesterday, a friend from high school came by to drop off a meal. We haven’t seen each other in over 20 years, and time has been kind to her.

I was surprised to see that time hadn’t changed her in all these years. She is still beautiful, compassionate, and generous with her time. After all, she drove a distance to deliver a meal to our family. And although I am horrible at showing my gratitude, I was very grateful.

Her act of kindness reminds me of the other acts of kindness I’ve experienced. Whether it was the meal train or a simple hello, I have been abundantly blessed by my friends.

So why am I in such a funk?

I think it’s because I’m not used to accepting help and so many gifts. Instead, I’m used to handing out my time to help others.

What confuses me the most, though, is how pig headed I’ve been about accepting help. I know from experience how much I enjoyed helping others. Like reconnecting with my high school classmate, helping others reconnected me with what is really important in life. That being the importance of feeling alive by making things a little easier for others.

That’s a pretty awesome goal, “making things easier for others,” and it is one I shouldn’t deny my friends. Especially since I know how much helping others brought me joy.

I am Maggz on Morphine, and I’m in a bit of a funk, but I’m trying to see the positive side.

Boredom

Finally! I’m bored to tears, and I’m accepting my boredom as a positive.

This means I’m feeling better.

It means I want to do something new.

I’m tired of being cooped up in the house.

Unfortunately, I still can’t go to work, but I can work on my house.

I will have the cleanest house on the block. Maybe I’ll create a garden in the front yard.

@#$#@

Who am I kidding? More important, who really cares? I know I certainly no longer care if my house is beautiful. We’ll, I do but not enough to spend my good moments cleaning.

In a seriousness though, I am thrilled that I feel bored.

Being bored means I’m not sleeping all the time. It means I’m feeling well enough to do something or go someplace.

Most important, I have the energy to create memories with my family. Maybe I’ll take one of my adult children out on a date or play a game.

Whatever I choose I want to have fun and connect with my friends and family. (So that means housework is out.)

Cause I’m Maggz on Morphine and I am young. I am healthy. I have the best chance of beating the average.

Pst… here’s a lighthouse my husband and I made.

Legs

One of the perks of having cancer is how much time I get to spend with my husband. We talk about everything from how we feel to my concerns about my hairy legs.

You would think by now that we would be tired of each other. Well, there are those days but the majority of my days are spent enjoying his company.

I’m not sure how he feels about all this time, but I haven’t heard him complain. Instead, he talks more about the future than ever. He’s super confident that we are going to beat this and come out stronger.

Many of my days are spent relying on his confidence. Then there are days like today. I spent much of my morning complaining about how fast the hair on my legs is growing.

He quietly listened to me as I debated how long it had been since I’d shaved. Without a word, he got up and left. (Surely bored of my shaving conversation.)

He returned with a straight razor, soap, and water. I looked at him funny and he said, “I got tired of listening to you complain.

After I finished laughing, he soaked my leg with a hot towel and prepared the rest of his equipment.

For thirty minutes he shaved my legs and we talked about life. He was sweet and gentle and everything I needed at that moment.

I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but I think I have a keeper.

Back off cancer! We are a team out to beat you down.

I am young.

I am healthy.

I have the best chance of beating the average.

 

 

A Break For My Caregiver

Yesterday my husband was treated to a massage.

The hospital and oncology staff have partnered with Gilda’s Club. However, this just any type of club; it caters to the patient and the partner’s caregiver.

At Gilda’s Club we can choose to take yoga and other exercise programs. They also offer genetic counseling, a dietician, educational programs, and massages. All the Gilda programs cater to the needs of the patient as well as to the family. Gilda’s is also totally free.

So yesterday, while I received cemo treatment number three, my husband was whisked away to receive a caregiver’s massage. When he returned he was a transformed and calmer husband.

I don’t know what they did to him, but I want in on a bit of that action!

Besides, I am young.

I am healthy.

I am have the best chance of beating the average.

Thank you hospital staff for seeing to the needs of the whole family.

 

Not Forgotten

After the initial diagnosis, after all the well-wishers leave you are left with silence in your head. At least that’s what it feels like when it seems everyone has forgotten you.

I think it’s easy to feel forgotten, especially after the lonely days of dealing with your illness. These are the days when you sit at home, uninterrupted, thinking about your illness. No visitors, no phone calls, no hellos. Just silence.

Then someone pops by unexpected and reminds you that you’re not forgotten.

That happened yesterday when a coworker stopped by with a basket of goodness. To be sure, the basket was great, and I enjoyed the popcorn with my movie, but it was the visit that meant the world to me.

I could have done without anything just to see my friend’s smiling face. Which reminds me of how important it is to have a great support system. So even on the days when I feel alone I should remember that there are people who have my back.

Which brings me to the awe I feel toward my support. I have nothing to bring to the table except myself. I’m extraordinary or gifted or unique. I’m just me and me is all I can offer. Yet, people still want to visit and send me words of encouragement.

I am in awe.

There’s no other way for me to describe how I feel each time someone comes to visit me. Which is why I want to repay in kind after I start feeling better.

Even a stranger’s kind words can work magic into an otherwise ordinary or dreary day.

So thank you friend for reminding me of the importance of hanging in there. Thank you for remembering me. Thank you for reminding me that I am young. I am healthy. I have the best chance of beating the average.

But most importantly, thank you for being you.