I tell you, the ups and downs in life can be exhausting. Its been a couple of months since my last post and a lot has happened in just this short time. A lot of ups and downs.
On the way down from the highs of September, my step dad went to the hospital in late September. He was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer and passed away about a week later. I was there for him and the rest of the family. I will be honest, I was not terribly upset but the event affected me more than I expected. I was there for him but I could not get past all the familiar feelings and emotions I felt when I was doing the same thing with Maggie. I was reminded of all the unpleasant memories, dealing with all the bad news, sitting there, waiting for the inevitable and knowing there is not one damn thing you can do about it. All the helpless feelings returning. The sooner I could get away from the hospital, the better I would be. My little brothers and sisters were there and took it pretty hard, but I was glad I was there for them. I have, unfortunately, some prior experience in how these things can go and I think this helped all of us in some way. Still, it was a pitch battle in my own head to get through it.
Afterwards, I went back to work. I work a lot. Always traveling. This gave me an opportunity to disconnect and reestablish some sense of normalcy.
My middle child, a son, married the love of his life. It was a perfect wedding. The weather turned out perfect so the wedding was outside as planned, with all the beautiful colors of fall. It was another event with ups and downs. I was so happy to be a part of the wedding and celebration but at the same time I was upset that Maggie was not there physically to celebrate this momentous event. All the guests were great! No one focused on Maggie not being there. They trained all their energy and happiness to the happy new couple. I was grateful for this as I was not in the mood to discuss or focus on my own personal feelings.
Fast forward a few days. This is where the ride takes a short trip up and back down and then back up again. I had made plans to reconnect with old friends from school again, attend a local annual festival, and while in the area, attend my father’s memorial service. I finally had an opportunity to talk to my mother about many things regarding the past, gaining answers to long unanswered questions. I had a good fellowship with her. We talked about Maggie and compared the two relationships. I was not surprised by the huge differences, but to hear my own mother make the comparison was eye opening. I wont go into details on this, I will just say that I had the feeling that my mother wished that her relationship with dad was more like mine and Maggie’s. This gave me mixed feelings. In one way, it made me feel good that someone actually looked up to us, but it also reminded me of just how much I already knew of what I had lost.
I spent a day with a dear friend. The next day I attended the parade at the local festival with all of the family. After the parade, we all convened for the memorial service later that same day. It was a great service. It was refreshing to hear stories from people that knew him in the years after he had changed and gave his life to God. This was obviously a very different person than the one I grew up with. The last three years of his life were good years between he and I. I just wished that he could have been like this for my younger years. There were also old photos available. Some of these photos were with Maggie in them so this made the whole event a little more emotional for me.
After the memorial service, I said goodbye to family and returned to spend time with old friends. Once again, this was a great time! For me, it always feels refreshing and rejuvenating to reconnect! We visited, danced and reveled in the waning hours of the local festival. Then I had to go back to work, but I left the whole experience on a high note and I was happy. Then comes another up and down.
Halloween was fast approaching. Those of you who knew Maggie knew that this is a holiday second only to Christmas! She loved Halloween and would decorate the entire house, and the yard! She had left me a letter to open on my birthday, October 7. In the letter, there were the obvious lines, professing her unending love and her wishes for me to be happy. She also asked me to be remember to put out the decorations for each holiday and enjoy. This is a hard one for me. My sons and I put out the Halloween decorations, but not like we did in the past, mostly because of an extended period of bad weather in the area. But secretly, I was dreading it. I just was not into it like before. Sometimes memories can be a real pain. Halloween was cold and wet, but we had many trick-or-treaters stop by, more than in the past. Maggie would have been thrilled! She loved greeting the kids in costume while wearing her own. I made sure that she was still in attendance at the door, although no one realized this. I think she would have approved. It added a level of hidden creepiness that only she and I would understand and appreciate!
We have the next few holidays coming in short succession and once again I am dreading these even more. Her birthday which always falls during Thanksgiving, then there is Christmas and New Years. I am a bit tense and apprehensive over the next few weeks to come. I’m sure there are more ups and downs to come during this time. A part of me, a BIG part of me, wishes I could just go to sleep and wake up after it is all over. I don’t like saying this. I feel like I am disappointing her by feeling this way. I don’t believe that I am as strong as she thought I was.
I get so obsessed with one thought these days. The thought reminds me of a song by Garth Brooks. The song is “What She’s Doin’ Now”. I cant stop thinking about what she does these days, where in heaven she is. I wish I could feel her closer to me than she is now. Some of the lyrics edited for practicality:
Last time I saw her it was turnin’ colder
But that was nearly a year ago
Last I heard she had moved to Heaven
But where she’s now I don’t know
But there’s somethin’ ’bout this time of year
That spins my head around
Takes me back, makes me wonder
What’s she doin now?
Runs through my head a lot. I hope this season passes quickly. I really want it to be over so I can find a way to stay happy again.
Maggz on Morphine 